Here I am. Another sleepless night in the life of Emily Louise. Except for this time it is due to the fact that I came home from work and slept for five hours. Oops.
Needless to say my mind is racing right now and I am wide awake.
A couple of stories..
Today at work a mother and her two biological children from my home ward came in. She asked if we had any gluten free bread and when I told her no she settled for soup and a cinnamon roll for her little girl who was in a blue leotard. Her little girl is absolutely adorable. I have always thought so. This mother is a hero. Literally. A hero for our country and for me. As my co-worker and I made sandwiches we watched her little boy play on the bench as the mother and daughter ate their food. I leaned to my co-worker and said, "she has an amazing story."
I attended my home ward on Sunday and congregated with great people after sacrament meeting, as I used too. We talked about the Olympics and how the athletes have trained their whole lives to be at the level of greatness they are at now and some of them are younger then I am. While talking with these older, creditable ladies I degraded myself on several accounts. I kept making a joke of myself and coming across as the 'funny one, who is lazy and hasn't accomplished much ' The ladies I was talking to all looked at each other and said "Emily, you don't give yourself enough credit.''
There was one night down at Ephraim I was driving around on back roads in a truck with my roommate and a friend. We were taking turns asking questions and answering them. One question really stumped me. As our friend asked what our biggest accomplishment in life was, I didn't know what to say. Frankly, I don't remember what I said. I remember what he said though. He was a convert to the church and he was so very grateful to have the gospel in his life and that was what he was most proud of over everything else. My roommate also answered with an intellectual story that changed her life.
Right now at 2:16 AM I am thinking about those words 'she has an amazing story' and wondering what my story is and what I have accomplished. Right now I am realizing that a little credit and positive thinking can go a long way..
"Starting a phrase with, I Am, is pretty bold don't you think? It made ME a little uneasy at first, anyway. When you start a sentence with "I Am..." You are stating something that you believe in. You're telling someone that you are totally confident, and that you ARE what you say you are, no excuses.
I love it.
In today's society we are always trying to be better. Skinnier, prettier, richer... that sometimes we forget to just stop and look at how great we already are; to take a few minutes and ponder on all the things that we have already accomplished, or the amazing talents we already posses."
I found myself at this blog a couple hours ago. The House of Smiths. I haven't looked at this blog for years and there it was. What I needed to read.
Giving yourself a little credit is not prideful and or cocky, a Statement starting with "I Am..." is incandescently honest. Someone who is confident and honest with themselves believes that they are of worth. The scriptures say that my price is worth more than rubies, I just need to believe that. I keep saying I want happiness in my life but I don't give myself credit. I catch myself looking at the negative instead of the positive. I have to sell myself to others, not degrade myself. Carin is right, happiness is a choice and part of being happy is believing in yourself. Telling yourself that you are what you think you are, even if it is bold.
As I asked an Uncle how his granddaughter was this past weekend, he told me that she is so happy and personable. She lights up when she sees people. My Uncle then told me that I do the same. That I have a great smile and a wonderful spirit.
I can't let what a wonderful Uncle said disappear by not believing in myself. Will Smith said "Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions." Amen Will. Amen. I am who I am. Growing confidence is key. Don't let others tear you down.
There is always, always, always something to be thankful for. Right now I am thankful for the moments that open my mind and help me come to another realization.
It's a disease really.
Or at least it should be.
I'm gonna make this into a warning for all.
I will change my mind more times than a child contemplating ice cream on a cone.
This happens at a speed you have never incountered.
But the real problem is, I never chose a flavor in the first place.
Even if I walk out of the store with moose tracks, I still am wondering if I made a good choice.
Perhaps I just want a little of everything.
That is, a little of the happiness and good of everything.
No need to mess with bad, boring, sad, hard things.
Sure you learn from them. yada yada yada.
But in reality, I'm scared to face those things.
I have no idea.
So don't ask me questions starting with the 'five W's'.
Don't give me choices.
But don't tell me what to do.
Because if you do, I won't do it.
A magic wand.
Love Emily Louise.
My summer has been full of sunshine, fun, work(wahoo, go old gris mill!) and happiness.
LOTS of adventures have been had(:
Right now I have two sisters and their families driving really far to be able to come and spend time with family this upcoming week. My 8 year old neice Mikayla is getting baptised sunday. Sunday is also Fathers day. My brother Daniel and his family are moving next door on sunday. Monday is my 19th Birthday. Monday is also my brother Chads Birthday. We are going to be hiking Angels Landing to celebrate. Monday also marks the beginning of the annual Jones family reunion. This year we get to celebrate my Grandads 90th Birthday! Lots of family will be attending. Soooo excited. Thursday is my Mothers Birthday.. Party in the barn. Thursday-Sunday it will be a nonstop party as the Reeder family catches up, rides horses, eats way too much food, plays games and enjoys each others company.
My life could not be any more grander right about now.
I love family.
Did I mention a couple of weeks ago I got a job.. Because I did.
I admit my defeat to the blogging world. I don't know why I have withheld myself from started one thus far. There are many wonderful blogs out there that portray the happiness in people's lives. There are even those who are my age that share! As they have adventures, write down their thoughts, grow and enjoy life they share it on their blog. I can say that my older sister has persuaded me with the idea of being able to have a picture journal of when I meet my husband. Yeah.. I read in my journal from 2007 that I am going to be 23 when I get married so that probably won't happen for awhile. Perhaps the reason I haven't begun my sharing is because I am worried of opening myself up for others to read. I tend to conform and try and fit in so that I won't be noticed as the weirdo. I fear rejectment and honesty from others. I spend too much time comparing myself to those around me that I forget to be who I really am. This blog is dedicated to being myself. To live and love and if I get hurt get up and keep going because life is too short to be a worry wart and stress about the past. Above all to be happy, honest and open about my life and who I really am. Here it goes..
I am Emily Louise. I take pride in my name. I was named after my Grandmother Reeder, Helen Louise, who passed away a year ago on the 4th. Growing up she was my getaway. The person who brought me cheer on rainy days. Literally. Living next door, she was my key to unboredom. My best friend who was always there. I think my spunky, loving, care waaaaaaay too much and worrying personality comes from her. What's in a name, right? I miss her more than words could ever describe. Behind her is a legacy that I can only admire. Since she has been gone I have had to 'grow' up. I graduated high school, got my first kiss, got a job, moved out of the house and entered the world of college. Honestly, I had no idea of where to go. SNOW College just kinda captured me. Without a degree in mind I was on my own. I reflect on my Grandmothers last summer. We had our annual Reeder family reunion. This year, it was on her back lawn. Just like the good ol' days! Can you say perfect? I will never forget the conversation I had with my cousin Jill Hubbs. We were talking about where I was going to go to school in a year and what my plans were. The best advice came to me that day when she said, "You don't ever have to 'grow' up. You can be young forever while still being mature." When I got to college Jill sent me a care package. I was so appreciative and felt totally unworthy of such love. Over the course of my Freshman year I received multiple care packages from Jill. Each time one came to me it was a heaven sent blessing. I would be having a hard time with my roommates, trying to figure out the course of my life (which is still a blank book with no road directions.. figures) or just trying to fit in in this world. I was having a hard time 'growing up' and her care packages were a reminder to be young and have fun. They relaxed me from the stresses of life and made me happy. Jill has lived in North Western US for my whole life. I remember her sending Grandma packages and letters frequently. They would make Grandma so happy and brighten her day every time one came. I think a loving bond was formed between them through their letters back and forth. When Grandma passed away I remember being so bummed that she wouldn't be able to see me physically grow up and be there for experiences such as my graduation, wedding, having kids(normal life plan eh?). Looking back, on the memories and experiences of my first year of college I know she was with me all the time. I know that she passed away right before the big adventures in my life began, yet only to be able to be with me all the time when we would no longer be neighbors. The bond that her and Jill had makes me believe that maybe through Jill's packages to me, Grandma was sending her love too.
Freshman year was hard but I concurred it! Life throws many obstacles in our race but one of the biggest lessons I learned this past year was to continually keep running. You can't give up for nothing. When life gets hard I will ALWAYS have my family to lean on and above all Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there for me constantly. I never have to worry about being alone. They are there for me. Me. Emily Louise, ME. Through talks with family members I know that I matter. That my price is worth more than rubies. I am that person who reads the last page of the book while I am in the middle. I have to know whether or not Katniss will make it out alive and if Michael and Emily end up together. I like to know whats up. How things are going to end. What I am going to do tomorrow and the next day. I don't like to be left in the dark and unknowing. But, in my book, there is only blank pages in front of me. However, cliche as it is, my book is being written today, right here, right now. Even though I can't read the future (no one can, dang psychics) I can live in the words of President Monson "Choose your friends with caution, plan your future with purpose and frame your life with faith." I am always reminding myself to try to enjoy my life and not just endure it. (President Hinckley) Life is too short to be unhappy and spending time with negative thoughts or people who suck the happiness out of you. Carin, my wise, awesome, loving, older sister told me the other day when I was having a hard time adjusting to the changes in my life that "Happiness is a choice." Honestly she couldn't have said anything more perfect. In this book of mine I can choose to be upset and angry or I can choose to be happy, accept things for what they are, enjoy my time spent being 19(almost!) years old, have fun in my life and not worry about what others think about me. I can choose to not spend my time judging others and in turn they won't judge me. I think you are what you eat, but you also get what you put out. I can also choose to be happy as I grow up, but I don't have to 'grow up' in the sense I can be myself and have fun. My friend Emma told me she thinks it takes a year to really start living after someone passes away. The first year you live for them, but the second year is for you. I've had my trials to make me grow this past year and I have learned from them a great deal. Now it is my turn to accept trials and obstacles as they come and move on faster and happier. This is my year to shine! To be carefree, open and honest. Vulnerable is not in my vocabulary anymore. I choose to be happy(: annnnnnnnnnnnd welcome to my blog(: